My dear sweet hubby asked me out on a date the other day. A real, old fashioned "Will you go out with me?" kind of proposal. And the first thought that crossed my mind was "HOW? WHEN? There's no time for such luxuries!". Of course I didn't say this out loud to him, but man was I thinking it! But this rigid reaction of mine really got me soul searching, really made me examine the tangled web of emotions that is my brain lately. How can I do it all? How can I be all things to all people? How can I work three 12 hour shifts a week and be an awesome nurse, then come home and spend the rest of the week being a domestic goddess, cherish my time with my infant, help my 6 year old with her homework and cart her around town for all her activities, not to mention spend quality time with my husband and support him as he finishes up his college degree? I feel like by the time this is all done, there's just not a whole lot of time left for a social life anymore. The reality is, though, that I'm perfectly okay with this hard truth because I know that this phase is short-lived. This time in our life is not permanent, it won't always be this kind of crazy. Part of me just wants to enjoy it for what it is. But then the other part of me craves a night alone with my man, enjoying uninterrupted conversation and actually eating an entire meal while it's still hot. I'm just not ready to leave the baby yet, though. Period. Maybe that's the working mommy guilt talking. I have a hard enough time leaving her to go to work, I'm not ready to leave her just for my own selfish pleasure. But is it really selfish to take ONE night off? Of course not. That's just my guilt talking again.
BALANCE. I constantly strive for balance. I constantly have to remind myself to RELAX. Give yourself credit. Believe in your mission and purpose. Know why you are doing things. Remember your intentions.
There will always be conflicting feelings when it comes to children and work and nights out and husbands feeling left out of the loop. But I have to do my best to maintain my balance and give myself a break. I have to remember that the reason I go to work is to give my children a better life. It's not easy, but it's what's best for our family.
And most of all, I have to remember my husband and be thankful for a man who still loves me enough to ask me out. Even though we spend every waking second together that we can, we still need time set aside to just be a couple in love. Not talking about bills or carpool or homework or schedules. Time to just adore one another and appreciate the bond that has carried us through 12 beautiful years together. Our priest once told me that in a family, God must come first, then the marriage, then the children. It is sometimes our natural tendency as mothers to put the children first but he explained to me that the marriage must come first in order to set the foundation on which the whole family rests.
So there's a little look inside my conflicted head this morning. I'm so happy with where we are right now and with what we have created together. But I must also recognize that when your husband asks you out, you better consider yourself the luckiest girl on earth and take him up on it. A night out with Shawn is pretty priceless.
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