Ugh, I'm tired.
My legs feel like tree trunks this morning. No, like actual tree trunks. Why are they so heavy? Am I even moving? Are we there yet?
Let's just get through this. I'm going to be so busy today. 7 patients to see, Girls On The Run, piano for Belle, Shawn has physical therapy.
Seriously, are we there yet?
Good morning, God. Thank you for this day. Thank you for allowing me to know You. Thank you for my family, my friends, this moment. I start this day feeling grateful. A little grumpy, but grateful. Thank you for this amazing sunrise.
Oh, the sunrise is really beautiful this morning! Good morning cows! I wonder who owns those cows? I've passed by them so often that I feel like I know them. They look so relaxed and rested, unlike myself. My slow moving, can't catch my breathe tired self.
Slow it down, Liv. BREATH.
Did I put the clothes in the dryer last night? Shit, I don't think I did. One more thing to do when I get home.
Brees wants oatmeal for breakfast. She will be waiting for me when I get home. "Did you have a good run, Mommy?". She is so thoughtful and kind. I love that she always asks me how I am, how I'm doing.
I need to call MY mom and check on her and make sure everything's all set for her surgery. That will make her feel a little more calm, I think, to have that support. I know she's nervous even though she's playing it cool.
God, please protect my mom and take care of her during this surgery. Please bless her with good health, no complications, and a smooth recovery.
Oh, hello lungs! Thanks for coming to work today! Ahhh, it feels good to catch my breathe.
Hey, that new building on the corner is really coming along! I still don't know what they're building there, I need to ask my neighbor, she always knows about that kind of stuff.
I need to get those clothes out of the attic for Amy. She'll be having the baby before I even pass my maternity clothes on to her at this point. I miss being pregnant. Will I ever be pregnant again? Will I ever get over the yearning to be pregnant?
Lord, I trust in You and Your plan for us. Please help Shawn and I to be accepting of Your will, help us to have faith in You, to trust in the journey set out before us. Help us to make the most of each day, each phase, each chapter, help us to slow down and enjoy where we are, right now.
The weather is so perfect today. I love these early morning runs, the quiet, the crisp air.
Did Shawn remember to change the air filter? I need to ask him. I need to put it on the calendar so we don't forget.
I need to sit down with the whole damn calendar and start planning for the summer. So many camps, trips, weekends, recitals.
I can't wait for our trip to Arkansas. A new place to explore. We're totally going to do a birthday run while we're there.
What's for dinner tonight? I forgot what's on the meal plan. I'm loving all of the outdoor meals we've been doing lately. Have to get them in before the hellacious summer heat sets in.
AH, running in summer!!!!
Oh hello legs! Glad you could join the party!
My right IT band has been really tight lately, I need to get to yoga this week and work it out.
I need to get the girls to the dentist this month. When's the last time I've been to the dentist? Does anyone actually have time to go to the dentist? Maybe when the semester is over.
Thank God finals are over! A whole week to relax before the summer session starts.
I can't believe I'm in school again. It feels so good to be back at it. I've really learned a lot this semester. Mostly about how much I DON'T know. Holy crap there's a lot of information out there.
Oh, I love this song!!
"You'll come, let Your glory fall when you respond to us.
Spirit rain, flood into our thirsty hearts again!"
My heart feels so full. There's not a cloud in the sky! What a beautiful way to start the day!
I definitely needed this. This is way better than sleeping in! I will feel so rested after I'm down with this run, even if I did start out with tree trunk legs.
I remember climbing trees with my brother when we were little. We weren't scared of anything. I want to take the kids on a real camp out this year. River might be a little young but maybe we could do a mini trip?
I think I'm going to add apples to my overnight oats today. Should I do a Whole 30? Everyone's doing Whole 30s these days. I don't think I'm willing to eat that much meat, though. Or cut out quinoa. I freakin' love quinoa.
I do want to make my own kombucha, though. Julie said she has a scoby I can have.
My legs feel so good today. The weight lifting sessions are definitely improving my running endurance.
I can't wait for our summer boot camp group to start up. That's going to be a fun little push. And working out with friends is awesome.
I want to start a running group. Maybe a once a week thing? I don't know. Running alone is pretty awesome, too.
Did Belle pack her book bag last night? I need to fill out her field trip form this morning.
Only a few more weeks and we're home free! Goodbye 5th grade! How is she already in junior high?
We need to work on scrapbooks this summer. I can't even believe how far behind we are on photo albums and scrapbooks. I wish there were people you could pay to do that kind of stuff for you.
And someone to clean the house, too. Yeah, I need someone to do that for me as well.
God, thank you for this moment! Thank you for making me strong! Thank you for giving me peace in my heart! Help me to get through this day and to be the best version of myself that I can be!
Oh cool! Negative splits for the last 2 miles! My legs really woke up!
There's the car. Oh, over so soon? Maybe I should go around the block and squeeze in one more mile?
No, Brees will be waiting for me. And I've got to get Belle's skirt into the dryer. Man, what a beautiful run this has been.
This song is the perfect way to start my day!
"Oh no, you never let go
Through the calm and through the storm
In every high and every low
You never let go of me!"
Let's go legs, sprint it all the way to the car!
Run hard, run strong, run with pure joy!
Well, that was awesome.
Thursday, May 14, 2015
Monday, May 11, 2015
I spent the first few years of motherhood in fear: fear that I would screw my kids up, fear that they would experience some of the hardships that I had endured during my own life, fear that I wasn't good enough, fear that someday they would want nothing to do with me, fear that I wasn't deserving of their love. I have no idea where this fear came from but it was very real and consuming. The anxiety of those early years was paralyzing at times and it stole giant chunks of my happiness. My insecurities were big and raw and prevented me from enjoying the most amazing gift I've ever been given.
"I'm afraid that I'm going to screw up my kids" I finally admitted to a dear friend about a year ago. It felt so good to say those words out loud, to acknowledge the wall that was blocking my heart from feeling free. I was in a spiritual place, a soul searching chapter, and things were shifting in my heart. I was letting God in more and anxiety in less. And God started moving mountains in me. The more I let go of my anxiety and fears, the more I trusted in God's plan for me, the stronger I felt. "I want to be grateful, I want to REALLY enjoy my life, I want to be free of these chains that are keeping me from loving completely and without fear". I wrote those words down in a journal and prayed them over and over and over again. I don't want to be scared anymore, I just want to love and live.
Though there were things that we definitely lacked and certain aspects of our youth that we would like to improve upon with our own family, Shawn and I both had blessed childhoods. The divorces, the disappointments, the struggles: those things can't define my own family. For every thing that I lacked in my own childhood, God has provided for me ten fold in my adult life. He chose ME to be a mom to these three children, these three in particular. He entrusted them to me because He loves me. He knew that I would be the perfect mama for Belle, Brees, and River. He knew that they would teach me just as much as I would teach them. Just like my mama and I were meant to be together, too. My fears and anxieties were the chains that were binding me and keeping me from truly experiencing that truth and I was done with it.
And so I am moving forward in my fearless year and vowing to spend more time appreciating this gift rather than being scared of it. I love my kids and I owe it to them to show them my love in a bold and fearless way. There's nothing to be scared of: we're in this together. I strive each and every day to whisper a prayer of thanksgiving for the blessings we have been granted, to humble myself and ask God to take away my anxieties and fears, to replace those insecurities with a love so strong and bright that anything negative that comes our way doesn't stand a chance. Because I am a mama and I am so deserving of this love.
The gospel on Mother's Day mass summed it up much better than I ever could:
John 15:9-17“As the Father loves me, so I also love you.
Remain in my love.
If you keep my commandments, you will remain in my love,
just as I have kept my Father’s commandments
and remain in his love.
“I have told you this so that my joy may be in you
and your joy might be complete.
This is my commandment: love one another as I love you.
No one has greater love than this,
to lay down one’s life for one’s friends.
You are my friends if you do what I command you.
I no longer call you slaves,
because a slave does not know what his master is doing.
I have called you friends,
because I have told you everything I have heard from my Father.
It was not you who chose me, but I who chose you
and appointed you to go and bear fruit that will remain,
so that whatever you ask the Father in my name he may give you.
This I command you: love one another.”