A Good Talk

My phone rang the other day, an unfamiliar number, a nervous voice on the 

other end.

"Hi, Liv.  This is M.  I'm so and so's mom.  I have a couple of questions, I hope they're not 

too personal.  But I've heard you speak about this before and I was wondering if you 

could give me so insight.  I just don't know what to do".

The woman was the mother of a child in Isabelle's class.  We know each by face, 

everyday pleasantries here and there, but we had never really spoken before.  She 

was calling because she was concerned about her child, she's been noticing some 

problems, both academically and socially, but she was scared of the letters: ADD.  She 

was so nervous, very aware of the personal nature of the conversation, not wanting 

to intrude in our family's personal business or offend my in any way.

I opened up to her instantly.  I could hear it in her voice: the guilt, the shame, the 

self-doubt.  She was so worried for her child but was afraid of the possibilities.  I 

understood how she felt because I have felt the same way.  When Isabelle was 

diagnosed with ADD, I felt like I had failed her.  I went over and over it in my 

mind, wondering what I could have done differently.  I blamed myself, Shawn, her 

school.  I felt sad that she would have to work so hard to overcome those three letters: 

ADD.  She would have to learn how to focus, she would have to be so self aware and 

develop efficient study habits: skills that come naturally to most children.  My little 

girl would be faced with social stigmas, she would go through periods of feeling 

inadequate.  My heart felt like it weighed a ton as I imagined all of these scenarios in 

my head, processing her future and how we would overcome this.

But that was just it: we WOULD overcome this.  WE would.  Together.  After a few days 

of epic mama guilt, I pulled my boot straps up and set to work developing a plan of action 

for Isabelle.  Where to start?

First thing's first: form a team.  Isabelle's teacher was the first person we told about 

her diagnosis.  We discussed her medication regimen and how we planned to change 

our routine to create an ideal learning environment at home.  Her teacher was 

immediately on board, giving us immeasurable amounts of encouragement and 

reassurance.  She moved Isabelle to a desk front and center, right next to her desk so

 that she would be available when she needed that little bit of extra attention.  She 

also recommended a private tutor that Isabelle sees once a week to help her with 

concepts she has trouble with in class and needs extra attention on.

Next: behavior modification.  We took a long, hard look at Belle's diet and cut out a lot 

of sugar, carbs, and processed foods.  We bumped her bedtime up an hour to ensure she 

was getting an adequate amount of sleep each night.  We set up a "homework station" 

that was neat and organized and free of distractions to help her stay on task.  We cut 

down on the amount of after school activities she was involved in, limiting her to 3 

activities per week, so that she didn't get overwhelmed and burned out.  And, 

most importantly, we set aside time for her to decompress and just be a wild and free 

kid every day, allowing her the opportunity to burn off the energy that she didn't know 

how to process.

Third: positive reinforcements.  At Belle's doctor's suggestion, we set up a sticker chart 

on the refrigerator with simple, age appropriate tasks for her to complete each day 

and week. Things like making her bed every morning, feeding the dogs, completing 

her homework, setting the table, and taking her bath earned her stickers.  Each week, 

we agree on a goal and a reward for meeting that goal: going out for ice cream, having

 a friend over, movie night, etc.  She LOVES her sticker charts so much and works 

really hard to meet her goal every week.  Not only does it keep her on task, but it 

teaches her responsibility and self sufficiency.  It reinforces a very valuable life lesson: 

hard work truly does pay off.

And last by not least: be realistic.  Our pediatrician told us from day one: your child is 

not perfect, she will not come home with straight As and perfect conduct every week.  

Learn to accept the reality that she is just a kid, no matter what all the parenting books 

and blogs would have you believe otherwise.  As long as she is working hard, doing her

 best, and trying to achieve small, simple goals: praise and reward her.  We are not 

seeking perfection, we are seeking a happy, healthy child.

I told all of this to the mother who called me, reassuring her that ADD will not keep her 

child from succeeding in life, following her dreams, or being exactly who she wants to 

be.  Getting a proper diagnosis and formulating a plan of care, applying interventions 

as early as possible and setting your child up to succeed are what you need to do, not 

beat yourself up or doubt yourself as a parent.  Society tells us things about parenting 

that are unrealistic: no one's life really looks like a page off Pinterest.  We are all just 

working to build happy, memorable moments that fit our own definitions of bliss.  

Hang in there, work hard, and remember to give credit where credit is due.

I connected with this mother who called me that day, I felt like we both benefited from 

our conversation about our children.  She was reassured, ready to move on to the next

 step.  And I was able to recognize how far our family has come, how much Isabelle

 has grown and flourished in so many ways.  

It was a good talk.

Progress

After my Year of Blogging post, I got an overwhelming response from many of you
regarding Isabelle's ADD diagnosis.  Many of you shared stories of your own experiences
with your children who share this diagnosis.  Others inquired about Belle's progress and
what we have learned along the way since having her diagnosed a year ago.  This topic
is something I hope to blog about more as it is a very real and important part of our daily
lives as a family.  We have come a long way in this last year and have learned so much
from one experience to the next.  I hope that by hearing our story, you may take comfort
in your own.

Isabelle is in the second grade and is doing very well academically.  She has been on the
honor roll the entire first semester, loves reading, and really excels in math.  Our
biggest challenges this school year have revolved around her social behavior.  She has 
become more talkative in class this year, frequently getting into trouble for excessive talking,
getting out of her desk during class time, and not raising her hand before speaking.
Her teacher was patient for the first month of school but eventually called us in to
address Belle's "problems".  She told us of her frustrations with our daughter's inability
to pay attention, telling us that she often seems to be in "outer space".  We listened
patiently, fighting the overwhelming urge as parents to be defensive, and reminded
the teacher that Isabelle has Attention DEFICIT Disorder: having a difficult time
paying attention is the nature of the beast.  The teacher then apologized and said,
"I was not aware of her condition".

Her CONDITION.  I've replayed that comment in my head a million times since.  She said
it with sympathy in her voice, as if there was something WRONG with my child.  It hurt me
in every fiber of my being to hear someone talk about my child like that, even if she
meant nothing hurtful by it.  Because there is nothing WRONG with my child, she is
not broken, she simply has a few challenges in front of her that require us to take extra
steps to make her goals attainable.

I had to take a step back after that conversation, the realization washing over me that
her teacher was not on the same page, she wasn't looking at Belle as a bright and
inquisitive child who needs behavior modification.  Instead, she was looking at her as a
trouble maker, a child who didn't blend in and therefore needs fixing.  I had to collect
my thoughts and pray for the right things to say to this teacher because, the fact of
the matter is, we need her on our side.

And so, a few weeks later, we sat down again for another parent/teacher conference.
This time, I came prepared: I brought the teacher some of the most up to date literature
on ADD, listened to her stories of incidents occurring in class and then offered solutions
that work for us at home, assuring her that we were ready and willing as parents to
 do whatever we could to make this school year the most productive and positive
experience possible.

And I asked the teacher one question: What's the most POSITIVE thing you've
noticed about Isabelle this year?  Besides the talking and inattention, what has she done
to make you notice her?

Her answer: She is a hard worker, she is kind and sensitive, she's a wonderful helper
and always volunteers to assist anyone she can.

Our plan: Let's build on those things.  When she's having a hard time paying attention,
give her a task to perform to bring her back in.  When's she drifting off and
misbehaving, redirect her and remind her of the rules through positive
reinforcements.  Appeal to her characteristic way to help others and contribute to the
group.  And most of all, don't ever give up on this beautiful little girl.  She may carry the
label "ADD" on her medical record, but the only label we see when we look at
her is AMAZING.

And so we hope to move forward through the rest of the school year on a positive
note.  Isabelle continues to take Straterra daily and has a private tutor once a week.  We
use reward charts to encourage her and keep her on task and consistency with our
daily routine to keep her focus on point.  Some days are good, some very difficult.  But we
just keep trying because she deserves it, she deserves our patience and faith.  I
wouldn't change a single thing about my daughter and am so thankful for the daily love
she fills my heart with.

Progress

I mentioned in a previous post that we were having Isabelle evaluated for ADHD. We have been engrossed in this process for the last two weeks and today is the first time that I feel ready to come up for air. After much prayer, patience, and faith, we have come to a point of peace and are ready to move forward.

The first step was to have her hearing rechecked. She failed her hearing test at school last month and the doctor felt it necessary to send her to an audiologist to rule out hearing loss. We went to see the referred audiologist and they did several different exams on her. They were extremely thorough and explained each test to us in detail before administering. She passed with flying colors! Step One: CHECK.

The second step was to complete "homework" given to us by the behavioral specialist referred to us by our pediatrician. I did some research on her before our appointment and was pleased with the testimonials I heard from her patients. We were given detailed surveys to fill out before our first appointment: one for Shawn, one for me, and one for Isabelle's teacher. The surveys covered a variety of topics centered around attention span, social skills, and over all attitude. We completed them as honestly as possible. Step Two: CHECK.

The third step was an exam performed by the behavioral specialist. She did a complete head to toe physical assessment on Isabelle. She then asked her a ton of questions regarding her home life and school habits. She asked us a lot of questions as well, some of them even asking about how she was as a toddler. What I liked the most about this doctor was her overall vibe. She was so kind, so respectful. She spoke to Isabelle in the most warm and loving way. There was NOTHING intimidating about this doctor's visit. It was just a nice conversation. Step Three: CHECK.

After some deliberation, the behavioral specialist informed us that she does NOT think that Isabelle has ADHD. However, she feels that she is borderline ADD. And by borderline she means that it is very difficult to diagnose a girl of her age. In fact, most girls her age with ADD go undiagnosed because their symptoms are harder to read than little boys. She also thinks that Isabelle has some anxiety issues that need to be addressed and are probably the root of some of her problems in school. Diagnosis: CHECK.

Now, what are we going to do about it? First off, we have a tutor coming once a week to our house to help her in her weaker areas. Her teacher is working directly with the tutor and sends her work that needs to be reviewed, advices her on topics Belle is having trouble with, and gives her a lesson plan of what they are covering in class. This is so exciting to me! Not only is she getting extra attention from an educator, but these two influential people are working together to make the program that much more effective! Isabelle LOVES her tutor so far and really seems to enjoy their time together.

Second, the doctor put her on a non-stimulant medication called Stratterra. Of all the ADD drugs out there, I feel pretty good about this one. Since it's a non-stimulant, it won't make her sedated or zombie-like. We don't want her to lose her spirit, we just want her to learn to use it more productively! This particular med is also very effective with people who suffer from anxiety and thus a good choice for her. Shawn has taken ADD meds for the last few years so we were pretty aware of what side effects to look for. She was a bit tired the first three days and didn't have her usual hearty appetite, but those symptoms have subsided as the first week has passed. She seems to have gotten her natural energy back and is eating normal again. This medication takes a while to really get into the system, so I'll report back as we start to see results.

And third, the behavioral specialist gave us lots of behavioral modification techniques to try at home. Reward charts, goal setting, time limits, etc. We have already been implementing some of these and she enjoys them immensely. She is a goal oriented person and accomplishing tasks makes her thrive.

So, here we are. My emotions are still on edge about all of this. You give birth to these perfect little creatures and you have no idea what life will bring. You just want your children to be happy and healthy, to have everything in life they could dream of. And that's what we want for her. We want her to have every opportunity to be everything she can be. And so we will move ahead with this new plan, this new outlook, and we will give her every tool she needs to succeed. Because she can do anything, be anyone. Because she is loved.