We Stood Tall

We've been in the thick of things around these parts.  I've had a blanket of worry hanging
over me for the last 3 days and it hit me this afternoon that I need to release it, I need to 
write.  I need to let go of the words flooding my mind and maybe, just maybe, they will 
all begin to make sense.

To make an incredibly long story short, we found out this week that, due to a new
injury, Shawn will most likely have to have surgery again in the next few weeks.  The surgery
is relatively minor though it will involve some down time and a 6-8 week recovery period.
He will have to have a damaged tendon repaired in his bicep, a surgery everyone ensures us
is small potatoes compared to what he's already been through.  We are unsure of when
or where this will take place, there is a chance we will have to travel for the surgery due to
the need of a specialist to perform it.  We have spent the week on the phone, in waiting
rooms, having X-rays and MRIs performed: all things we have grown extremely accustomed
to over the last year.  I've advocated for my beloved husband to doctors and nurses
and technicians, begging them to pay attention and hurry the fuck up.  Time is precious
here, he is precious.  This can't wait for insignificant factors such as referrals and
insurance technicalities: this needs to happen now.

Shawn is, despite this turn of events, doing magnificently well.  He is healthy and happy
and remaining fearless despite this setback.  He is carrying our family on his
shoulders, bringing us through this storm with his optimism.  "We've been through so
much worse, we can't give up now".  I can't say that I've been so gracious.  I am thinking
about all of the details: how long will I have to take off work, who will keep the girls if we
have to travel, what about all of the preparations we still have to make for the baby, will he
still be recovering when the baby gets here?  These thoughts, these worries, my own
selfish needs have been getting in the way of my heart just filling up with faith.  Because
you can't just have faith and be strong and positive during the good times: you have to be all
of these things during the bad as well.  Especially during the bad.

But I am 30 weeks pregnant and my body and mind are moving inward, I am beginning
the instinctual process of nesting, my subconscious mind forcing me to slow down and
really begin focusing on the work of laboring and birthing this baby.  This upcoming
surgery and its aftermath: it is not something I had planned to occur in my last trimester
of pregnancy.  And I would be a complete liar if I didn't admit that my head has actually
gone there: I've actually allowed myself to be selfish enough to think that way.  To
think, "Who's going to take care of me?  How can I care for someone else when I'm in such
a vulnerable place myself?  Am I strong enough to do this again?".  But then, last night,
Brees woke up crying and needed to be comforted back to sleep.  Shawn hopped out of bed
and went up the stairs to her rescue, leaving me to rest in the bed we have shared for 13
years.  When he came back to my side after putting our youngest daughter back to sleep,
he laid his head against my belly, his arm wrapped around me, and every selfish thought
left me in a wave of relief.  In sickness and in health, we will be there for each other.  We
will help each other in every way that we can and we will pull through this time in which we
are both so fragile.  This is what marriage is all about, this is what makes our love so strong.

We don't have all of the answers right now, we are unsure of what the next few weeks will
hold.  But, we are sure of one true thing: we will make it through, together.  We have
good doctors, an amazing family, and faith in a God who has never steered us wrong.
Shawn's surgery will hopefully happen soon, involve no complications, and he will be
fully healed in time to cradle his newborn baby son.  His first son.  I will remain healthy
and strong enough to take care of things while my husband is down.  I will not be afraid, I
will not obsess over things beyond my control, I will not worry about a situation that I
know we will persevere through.  Shawn is so strong, he has proven that a million
times already.  And though it is in my nature to be in control and prepared at all times, I
will not worry about the little things.  I will ask for help when needed and I will let the
small stuff go.  We are as prepared as we have ever been to welcome our baby into the
world, surgery or not.  I really don't think he'll mind if I don't get around to hanging up the
rest of the art work in his nursery or  if I don't finish my pregnancy scrapbook to
perfection.  The only thing that matters is that we get through this time with gracious
spirits and hearts filled with love.  That is how we will survive this.

I cried on my way home from work today, big fat tears of frustration and exhaustion.
This song by Mumford and Sons came on the radio and I knew that they were singing to
me.  These words embody so much of what we are experiencing, they encouraged me in
so many ways:

And after the storm,
I run and run as the rains come
And I look up, I look up,
on my knees and out of luck,
I look up.

Night has always pushed up day
You must know life to see decay
But I won't rot, I won't rot
Not this mind and not this heart,
I won't rot.

And I took you by the hand
And we stood tall,
And remembered our own land,
What we lived for.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.

And now I cling to what I knew
I saw exactly what was true
But oh no more.
That's why I hold,
That's why I hold with all I have.
That's why I hold.

And I won't die alone and be left there.
Well I guess I'll just go home,
Oh God knows where.
Because death is just so full and man so small.
Well I'm scared of what's behind and what's before.

And there will come a time, you'll see, with no more tears.
And love will not break your heart, but dismiss your fears.
Get over your hill and see what you find there,
With grace in your heart and flowers in your hair.