Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Fearless and Busy and Everything In Between

I feel like there's a moment, a season, every couple of months or so where I want to be in exactly the place where I can't be. I yearn to trade in my working mom role, the career that I love, and become a stay at home mom. I obsess over it actually. This season typically coincides with the holidays, summer vacation, the obvious occasions when one might long to have more family time, more spontaneity, less work. 

It's happening now, of course, as we wind down from the amazing whirlwind that is Christmas. The slew of New Year's resolution posts on blogs, Facebook, and Instagram don't help, either. The theme of "let's be less busy" seems to have taken over the internet these days as one post after another fills up my various feeds, encouraging me to "stop being so busy". I read a blog written by a stay at home mom yesterday encouraging us all to "stop glorifying the busy", another woman wrote about how so many of us are guilty of humble bragging in disguise, the word "busy" used as a merit badge to show how productive and superhuman awesome we are.

I see their points, I even nod my head in agreement at certain times. But I'm also left feeling extremely frustrated and confused. Not with them but with myself. I feel frustrated that I get so caught up in  my own head every couple of months, losing focus on how blessed I am and wanting a little bit of that grass that appears to be so much greener. I doubt myself and start questioning my path, wondering if I'm one of those people. The kind that glorifies it, humble brags it, wears my busyness as a merit badge. I sat on that one for a little while and really thought about it, called myself to the carpet. What is it that I'm missing that makes me feel so lost every couple of months? Am I trying to obtain something that will never be within my reach? Am I really all that busy, so much so that it calls me to question my journey? And is being busy even a bad thing?

I am a working mom with three little kids and a husband whom I love very much. I am busy, there's no two ways around it. And I don't think that being busy is a bad thing. I think that my perspective on the whole thing is what needs fixing. During this season that I charge through every couple of months, these emotionally challenging times when I find myself wanting to fill a role that I simply can not fill, I have to shift my focus and change my perspective. Being busy is not the problem, it's the reality. Cutting out distractions, however: well, that's a whole other story. Comparing myself to other mothers who live completely different lives, filling my days with activities that don't amount to anything but then wondering why I don't have time for the stuff that matters: those are problems. I need to fix that thinking, I need to stop wasting time longing for a reality that isn't going to happen at this time in my life.

But I also need to reevaluate the time that I DO have and make sure that I'm using it to the fullest. I'm busy, sure, but that doesn't mean that I can't slow down, settle in, and make the moments when I am present count. That's the perspective shift I was talking about, the swift kick in the ass I need every couple of months. I work hard and I am proud of that. There's something really satisfying to me about a long, hard day at work, a busy day. A day that involves me helping people, doing something that is bigger than me, and then coming home and still giving my all to my family. But I don't want to be so busy that I don't have enough room left in my heart for the simple moments of joy that surround me. River waiting for me at the door when I drive up from work, Brees leaving me a hand painted card to thank me for making her favorite breakfast, my heart to heart talks with Isabelle as I rush her from one practice to another. These are my moments, my working mom moments, they are my reality. 

I'm tired of the wanting, the wishing, the guilt and resentment. I'm tired of hating myself for loving to work. My New Year's resolution has nothing to do with being less busy: no resolution is going to change this season that we're in. My New Year's resolution, my word for 2015, is fearless. I'm going to live a fearless life, having a fearless amount of faith, loving fearlessly, taking chances and trying new things in a fearless way. I'm going to be busy as hell but I'm going to take the time to enjoy each and every moment. I'm not going to make excuses and I'm not going to wish for things that I don't have. I'm going to be fearlessly present, opening my heart to others in a fearless way, loving myself and where God has placed me, right here in this moment, with a fearless heart. Because that's where I am, that's who I'm designed to be. And I'm ready to own that, head held high, fist in the air, smile stretched wide, fearless spirit.

1 comment:

Vanessa said...

"I'm tired of hating myself for loving to work."

Amen. You have a very important job, and you are inspiring your children every day with all the discipline, passion (and compassion) and hard work you're putting in. Keep up the fearlessness, mama.