The Boy Who Broke Me

I've always thought of myself as the organized one.  The Type A girl, the lover of lists and all things neat and tidy.  My home has always been a "so clean you can eat off the floor" type of place and I've always prided myself on that fact.  I am efficient and productive and I like things just so.

Even after Isabelle was born.  Even after Brees.  I somehow managed to keep things contained and in their places: stored and categorized, a place for every little Barbie doll and a system to get it all done. It's how I operate, it's how my brain works.  I thrive on order and I feel so refreshed and accomplished when I make one last round through the house at night, picking up and adjusting and tidying up our sacred space.  

Until River came along.  My precious wild spirited boy, the boy who broke me.

I realized within the first few weeks of being a mom of THREE that I was not going to be able to maintain my previous definition of "getting it all done".  I just couldn't keep up and I felt defeated many days as I looked around our home and saw a mess in every corner.  There was a shift in our house and Shawn and I felt overwhelmed at times as we worked to develop our new normal: three little people who needed our attention, new routines, a busier schedule.  But I kept trucking along, making charts and waking up earlier to ensure that I got it all done, exhausting myself as I tried to return to my once tidy, "I've got it all together" self. 

I slowly began to realize that I was at a crossroads in my journey.  I could either spend my days walking in circles, cleaning and worrying and stressing and making lists and yelling at everyone around me for not following suit.  Or, I could close my eyes to the perceived messes around me, both literally and figuratively, and just enjoy the ride.  The crazy, chaotic, obnoxiously loud ride that is our family of five. The answer seemed pretty clear.

Sometimes, when I fight the process, when I struggle to accept a changing reality and refuse to welcome a new season into my life, anxiety takes over and I suffer tremendously.  I felt anxious and uncomfortable for a few months, I felt out of control and unsure of how to establish a balance. Who was I if I wasn't the constantly moving, neat and tidy list keeper?  What was my purpose if not to keep things efficient at all times?  How would I get it all together and put back into place?

I learned that God had it all figured out long before I did.  He knew that I needed breaking, I needed the wake up call that was my son to quiet my mind and relax my always moving personality.  I needed to learn to sit and breath and rest, to move through life a little slower and easier.  I needed to spend my time at home enjoying my family, I needed to allow my many other attributes to take center stage for once: my creative side, my playful side, my warm and nurturing heart.  Those parts of me were finally allowed to shine through much louder and with more passion and our whole family began to grow as a result.  It was like someone let a big burst of sunshine in and our little garden blossomed all around.

I worked hard on myself, settling down deep into my soul work, focusing more time and energy on my spiritual growth, my mothering and husband loving, and less time on keeping it all together. I focused on loving: loving my people and loving myself.  And I soon came to realize that those parts of myself that I have always valued so dear: the organized, efficient, productive, Type A list keeper, those qualities are what make me a good nurse. God gave me those specific characteristics so that I could provide quality care to those in need. That person that I was so desperately trying to hold onto at home: I could be that person at work, I could use those skills to take care of my patients.  I could express that side of myself and feed those needs in my nursing career, nurturing myself and my patients at the same time.  And then, when I got home, I could let my soul be free.  I could walk right by a big messy pile of laundry and jump on the bed with my kids.  I could play more and worry less and still be who I am, who I was born to be.

They say that life is all about perspective and that overcoming challenging times is usually as simple as just changing your thought process.  And that's where I am right now: shifting my focus and looking at things a little differently.  My son helped me to grow in that way, he taught me how to fly a little higher, how to rest and be more intent in the here and now.  He broke me in the way that a third baby can.  And I am better for it, our whole family is.  We have the spaghetti stains on the carpet to prove it.

Stats: Month Eight

River at 8 months:

Sleeping:  We had major sleep regression this month.  River started waking up at least once every night to nurse, sometimes twice.  We decided to leave him in his own room, in his own bed, despite the tempting convenience of just putting him in with us, in order to keep his routine in tact.  He still goes to sleep around 7-7:30 and then wakes up some time between 10-12 to nurse.  Some nights, he wakes up again around 3 to nurse again and then he is usually up around 7 in the morning.  Thankfully, he nurses himself right back to sleep very quickly.  I feel that this is all due to a growth spurt and major teething woes.  With time and consistency, River will start sleeping a lot better soon.  And the rest of us with him...

  

Feeding:  River is ALL ABOUT eating.  He is now eating three meals a day as well as nursing 6-8 times a day.  This month, we added lots of new foods to his menu including pineapples, mangoes, pears, peaches, zucchinis, plums, and steel cut oats.  He loves to snack on organic baby puffs but I really try to limit snacks, just as I do with the girls, to only once a day.  Nursing seems to be River's greatest teething comfort and eating 3 full meals a day has not slowed down his breastfeeding sessions at all.  I am still pumping twice a day while I am at work to keep up with this growing boy's demands.

Health:  River has been teething BAD.  He currently has two bottom middle teeth, one upper middle tooth, and one upper incisor.  He has been working on his other upper middle tooth all month long with lots of crying in between.  His amber necklace keeps the drooling and fever at bay but we also incorporate Ibuprofen and teething tablets when the pain gets too bad.  In the meantime, he chews on everything and has bitten each of us at least once.  Teething is tough business.

Milestones:  This month, River started full on crawling and pulling up in the same week!  He moves FAST and follows us all around the house.  He says "mama", "dada", "baba", and coos and shrieks incessantly. He has the sweetest little laugh and is very ticklish.  River loves to play with his blocks and his Daddy's guitar.  Shawn plays guitar and piano with him a lot and he loves to strum and beat of his instruments.  He loves to be outside and hangs out in his sling while I water the garden every night.  River learned to wave this month. When we bring him downstairs after his nap, he peeks out from our arms and starts waving at everyone, squealing and bouncing up and down.

You are the sweetest boy, River Scott.  I love you so much and need to finish baby proofing this house asap as I can only imagine the kinds of shenanigans you are about to get into!

Stats: Month Seven (One Month Late)

River at 7 months:

Sleeping:  We have officially entered that stage where River no longer just falls asleep anywhere and can nap on the go.  His naps are more routine now and he needs quiet and a bed for rest, making our days a bit more scheduled.  His cues are very obvious: he rubs his eyes, yawns loudly, and puts his head on your shoulder and you know it's time to lay the little buddy down.  He takes 3 naps a day and is still sleeping through the night.  Brees and River are sharing the nursery and we were pleasantly surprised to find that they do not bother each other or wake each other up at all.  For now, anyway...

Feeding:  River started solid foods this month!  I've been making all of his food using the Beaba Baby Food Maker and I love it!  So easy to use: you can steam, blend, defrost, and reheat the baby food all with this one appliance.  It is super easy to clean and doesn't take up much counter space. I use OXO Tot Baby Blocks freezer storage containers to store the food I make, putting everything in the freezer and taking it out the night before so that it can defrost in the fridge.  From a financial standpoint, making my own baby food doesn't really save us that much money when you add up the cost of the Beaba, the storage containers, and the food I so carefully select for River.  Making our own food is more, for me, about knowing what my baby is eating and making sure that his food is as clean and nutritious as the food I make for the rest of the family. This month, River had avocados, apples, bananas, squash, peas, carrots, pumpkin, quinoa, broccoli, green beans, and sweet potatoes.  He is a good little eater and has gobbled everything we've put in front of him up. His nursing habits have not decreased with the introduction of solids foods and he is still nursing 6-8 times a day.  I am still pumping at work and we are keeping up a really good freezer stash so far.

Milestones:  River is doing the wounded soldier crawl mixed with rolling back and forth to get wherever he needs to be.  He is sleeping in his own bed and puts himself to sleep.  River loves to dance and gets so excited when he hears music.  He literally bounces up and down and laughs hysterically when he hears a beat that he likes.  His current favorites are Sublime and Led Zeppelin. 

River is an incredibly sweet, dare I say EASY baby.  He goes with the flow, smiles and coos constantly, and is just very mellow.  We all love him so much and I suppose the constant attention and affection has served him well.  We love you little buddy.  I'll try to get better about keeping up with your updates, okay?  Time is flying by so quickly and I don't want to miss a thing!

Firsts

The first year of a child's life is marked by firsts, memories made and milestones recorded.  I'm a sucker for that kind of stuff, paying close attention to each little detail and celebrating small moments as if they were momentous occasions.  We make big to-dos about things in this family, allowing each family member their own time to shine.  Got an A on your math test?  You're getting that special pancake dinner you've been asking for!  Using the big girl potty and learning to wash your hands all by yourself?  A special treat is coming your way!  And River: well, let's just say he's been wracking up the celebratory first points around here.  He went from sleepy ring sling baby to mover and shaker in the blink of an eye and I find myself scratching my head and wondering HOW?  And please slow down.  Thank you.

I am trying to enjoy his little triumphs, choosing not to dwell on the fact that this might be it for us.  Another baby?  We just aren't sure.  And so while it may be River's first time eating real food, it also might be our last time giving our baby real food for the first time.  Which sounds like an insane thing to consider but that's just where my head is this week.  Trying to wrap my brain around the fact that life is moving FAST and this is one chapter I never want to forget.  I am in no hurry for this phase to evolve into something else.  I love being a mama to a baby, this baby, and I am so happy in my life right now.

He's a good one, our River.  He is happy and sweet and loves to give kisses.  He lets me hold him and rock him and hug him as much as I want and I do so as much as I can.  The big sisters are his best playmates, though, and the three of them can often be found on the living room rug playing and talking and entertaining each other.  I credit the quickness of his firsts to the fact that he is trying to keep up with them, working hard at being able to follow them wherever they go.

River has learned to sit up.

River has learned to crawl.

River ate his first real food.

And he even pulled up for the first time, proudly smiling and showing off his first two teeth.

"The days are long but the years are short" my grandmother always used to say.  And she was right.  A year full of firsts, each day bringing changes and growth and a brand new little person learning his way around this world.  It is a miracle to witness so much life unfolding right before our eyes, to see the day to day adventures that make up a child's first year.

Transitions: Bedding

We moved River to his crib in the nursery this week.  There was no big fanfare, no great debate on if or how or should we wait.  We just knew that it was time.

River has spent every night of his first 6 months of life in our bed, in my arms, in Shawn's arms, or in his bassinet right next to us.  We have lulled each other to sleep, our snores and slow, deep breathes blending together.  We have nursed and rocked and cried and laughed, spent many nights sleeping and many nights not.  Together, the three of us have had an amazing cosleeping journey.

But, things started to change this month.  River started waking up every hour on the hour, crying and fighting his sleep.  Our sweet baby who has been such a great little sleeper from day one suddenly became very uncomfortable in the late night hours.  We tried all of the usual tried and true remedies: walks through the quiet, dark house in his sling, nursing on demand, sleeping on mama's chest in the rocking chair.  The expression we've all used as parents to new babies, "We've been up all night": it was literally happening to us.  After a week of no sleep for any of us, I knew that it was time for the transition.

It's time to put River in his own bed.  I think that he'll be more comfortable, it will be more quiet and there will be less distractions.  I just feel it: he's ready.

Shawn was a bit taken aback by how calm and at peace I seemed with the whole thing: I don't usually embrace theses milestones with my babies all that well.  I want them to stay babies as long as possible, I want them in my arms for as long as they'll have me.  But the third child is different, he has offered me such redemption in all my anxious and controlling ways.  I've learned to just listen, to accept, to read my baby and let him show us what he needs.  And when he does, to do so willingly and not let nostalgia ruin the moment.

We followed our usual bedtime routine, carrying River to his crib and giving him extra kisses and hugs. We put him down and he looked up at us and smiled.  I felt the familiar urge to be sad that this was happening, my nurturing heart longing to scoop him back up and pull him in close.  But it was Shawn who spoke first: "I'm so proud of you buddy!  Look at you, such a big boy in your bed!  I love you, son.  This is a big day for you!"

He was genuinely proud and excited for River, the two of them smiling at each other in such a way that I think they would have high fived if River were big enough to know how.  And this is the way things have been in our parenting journey with River: both Shawn and I growing in confidence, no second guessing ourselves, no holding back.  When he's ready, we follow, empowering him and giving him all of the positive praise we can muster.  He was so ready for a good night's sleep in his crib and we recognized that and facilitated it.  It was one of those really good parenting moments.

The first night, he woke up three times.  I nursed him, rocked him, and put him back to sleep.  The second night, he woke only once.  By the third night, he was back to sleeping 12 hours straight, waking up in the morning all bright eyed and happy, rested and ready for the day. Seeing him in his bed, his favorite blankie curled up around him so peacefully, makes my mama heart full.

This is the first of many transitions, little buddy.  Throughout your life, you will grow and change and we will have to readjust.  You will gain more and more independence and learn to lead with confidence. And we will be right there beside you, cheering you on and supporting you in all that you do.  Our arms are always open, everything we have is here for you.  We're proud of you, buddy.

 

Stats: Month Five

River at five months:

Sleeping:  River takes around three naps a day: morning, afternoon, late afternoon/evening.  His morning nap is the longest, around 2 1/2 hours, the other naps are a little shorter.  He is still sleeping through the night with roughly a 7 pm bedtime.  On weekends, when I don't have to wake him up to nurse him before I go to work, he sleeps until 8 or 9.  This month, he started waking up for a feeding around 9-10 pm and then had a hard time going back to sleep, instead staying up and hanging out with us for an hour or so.  We brought him to bed with us, watched late night TV, read books, just hung out.  Some nights were rough as I was so tired from working all day and really wanted to get to bed. But now, as I sit here and write this, I find myself smiling.  I loved those late nights under the covers, the special time Shawn, the baby, and I had together. It was another phase, a tiring one but a good one nevertheless. 

Feeding: River is still exclusively breastfed which makes this working mama very, very proud. I have added an extra pumping session into my workday, around 1 pm, because I don't always get to nurse the baby as soon as I get home.  Sometimes he is napping, sometimes I am running late.  I decided to add that extra pump session to keep my milk supply up and to keep River's growing freezer stash demand up. I am currently pumping about twice the amount he actually needs which ensures that we will have milk in the freezer for quite some time.  I have a bowel of oatmeal for breakfast and drink lots of water throughout the day in order to keep my supply well maintained. River is currently nursing 6-7 times per day and has the sweetest baby rolls.  His thighs are the best!

Health: The amber teething necklace has really helped to subside River's teething symptoms. He is less fussy, less drooly.  He has been a healthy, happy boy this month and is packing on the pounds.

Milestones:  This month, River celebrated his first Christmas, rolled from his tummy to his back, and started reaching for objects that he wanted.  He recognizes voices and his face lights up when I walk into a room.  He passes objects from one hand to the other and bears weight on his legs.  We started putting him in his Exersaucer this month and he loves grabbing at all of the noisemakers and teething toys.

Personality:  River is an easy going baby.  He has the best laugh and the sweetest smile and we are all so in love with him. He loves to play on the floor with his sisters, listen to Daddy play guitar, and snuggle up with Mommy in the sling. He loves to give kisses and grab hair. Wearing earrings has become a distant memory for me as River is constantly grabbing everything and putting it all into his mouth. He sucks his thumb as soon as he gets tired and talks to himself and his blankie when he wakes up. Bath time is his favorite.  

You are the sweetest little buddy there ever was.  We are so blessed to know you and love you!

Stats: Month Four

River at four months:

Weight/Height: 16.4 lbs 26 inches long

Sleeping: River is sleeping through the night!!!  I have no idea how or why or if it will even last but this has been a fantastic month for sleep.  We are still following the same routine with naps and bedtime: keeping his naps to no longer than 3 hours at a time, keeping the room dark and quiet at night, and these things seem to really be working.  I usually nurse River around 6 pm, we have bath time, and then we all end up in the living room for family time.  He starts getting fussy and ready for bed somewhere between 7-7:30 and I rock him to sleep with his favorite blanket.  River is still sleeping in his bassinet in our room.  I get him up for a dreamfeed when Shawn and I go to bed around 10 pm.  A dreamfeed is simply picking the baby up out of bed and feeding them while they are still asleep.  Trust me: it works.  A friend of mine refers to this technique as "topping them off".  I started doing the dreamfeed when River first started sleeping through the night.  This last feeding of the day basically fills the baby up and allows him to continue sleeping without needing to wake up in a few hours for a feeding.  After the dreamfeed, I place him back in his bassinet and he sleeps until morning. I wake him up at 7 am so that I can feed him before I go to work.  On the weekends, he has been sleeping in until 9 am!  It's a whole new world, little guy!

Feeding:  River is still breastfeeding like a champ and putting on good weight.  I feed him in the morning before I go to work and then pump around 10 am.  I am home from work around 1 or 2 pm, just in time for his next feeding.  He is currently nursing 6-7 times a day, sometimes more.  During the day, we don't follow any sort of schedule, we feed him on demand, following his cues. River is a thumbsucker now and has learned to self soothe, no longer using me as a pacifier.  We are still giving him probiotics every night before bed and he has had no digestive issues at all.

Health: River started teething this month.  His hands are constantly in his mouth and he gets quite fussy at times when his gums start hurting.  We have been using Hyland teething tablets and recently purchased a Baltic Amber teething necklace. The combination of these two remedies really seems to help. 

Personality:  River babbles and coos constantly.  He has been so smiley this month and giggles when you tickle him.  He is SO ticklish and laughs and coos when you squeeze his big thighs.  He is the most cuddly baby and still loves to be held and rocked.  He enjoys tummy time with the girls, they set all of his toys up in front of him and entertain him for as long as he will hang with them.  My mother in law gave me a Sakura Bloom ring sling as an early Christmas gift and River loves it.  He is snug as a bug while still being able to look around. River's eyes are still blue and we are so curious as to what color they will eventually be.  

Milestones:  This month, River celebrated his first Thanksgiving, went on his first road trip, met his grandparents (Shawn's parents) for the first time, and helped decorate his first Christmas tree.

This was a really, really good month buddy.  You are growing so much so fast but you are just the sweetest little thing.  You are very, very loved.

Stats: Month Three

River at three months:

Feeding:  River is nursing every 2-3 hours during the day.  I don't time him: he nurses for as long as he wants to on one side and then, if he is still hungry, he nurses for as long as he wants to on the other side.  His first morning feeding is the longest feeding of the day.  I went back to work this month and River got his first bottle of pumped breast milk. We started a whole new routine with me going back to work: I feed River at 7 am right before I leave, he gets a bottle of pumped breast milk some time between 10-11, and then I nurse him when I get home from work around 1. River did not like his bottle for the first week or so and only drank a few ounces of milk while I was gone. It took about a week or two for him to adjust but he is now taking his bottle just fine.  Shawn really enjoys participating in the feeding process. I am so thankful that I only have to be away from home for about 6 hours each day because that means I only have to pump one time during my work day.  I am currently pumping about twice the amount of milk that River actually needs thanks to my morning bowl of oatmeal and a mid morning snack of lactation cookies.  Our freezer is filling up with milk stores and I feel confident that we will be able to continue this journey for a good long time despite the fact that I work outside the home.

Sleep:  This was a REALLY bad month for sleep.  When I went back to work, it completely threw River's sleep cycle off track.  He reverted back to his newborn pattern of sleeping all day and staying up all night.  He LITERALLY woke up around 10 pm and then stayed awake until 4 am.  Shawn and I were walking zombies for the first half of this month, taking turns rocking and holding the baby all through the night, begging him to fall asleep.  We went on a sleep revision mission: during the day, Shawn woke River up from his naps rather than waiting for him to wake up on his own, not letting him sleep for longer than 3 hours at a time during the day.  We kept the curtains open in our room during the day to let light in, all in an effort to teach his body the difference between day and night.  At night, we started winding down around 6 pm with a feeding, bath time, reading and prayers with the girls, and then bed at 7.  We kept the lights dim and the room very quiet at night, putting him straight to bed after his night feedings.  After about a week of this routine, River's body clock regulated and he started sleeping at night again, waking up only once or twice a night to nurse.  He is still sleeping in our room: he spends most of the night in his bassinet next to our bed as he has outgrown his cosleeper.  He loves to be rocked to sleep, my favorite time of the day still.

Milestones:  This month, River attended his first LSU game, celebrated his first Halloween, became an official thumb sucker, and took his first trip to the children's museum. He is by far the most mobile and easy going of any of our babies, most likely because he is the third child and has no other option but to go with the flow.  

Health: River has been taking probiotics for a full month now and I can not sing their praises enough. I wish so much that I had known about the benefits of infant probiotics with my older kids! Any and all colic symptoms, reflux, gas pains: it's all gone.  His gastrointestinal system is much more regulated and he is, as a result, such a happy baby.  He has regular bowel movements and rarely spits up. Probiotics are a serious God send!! 

Personality:  River laughs and smiles and coos constantly.  He loves to watch his sisters play, mostly from the comfort of his sling or the Ergo.  He loves to be held and cuddled and rocked.  He loves to take a bath and kicks his little legs in the water.  River "talks" a lot and is VERY loud.  On the rare occasions that he cries,  there's no ignoring it.  This baby boy has a voice and knows how to use it!

This month was a big adjustment for all of us with my return to work.  I am so thankful that Shawn is now in a position in life to stay home with our younger two children.  Leaving home to go to work is a thousand times easier when you are leaving your children with their father.  Shawn has taken on his role as a stay at home dad with great pride and determination and I am so incredibly proud of him. Our son is a very lucky boy to have such an amazing father to guide him through life.